This is the last "official" day of Discipleship Week. It's been a great week overall, but it's also had a different feel from what I remember last year. I think part of that is because there wasn't nearly as large an international contingent this year, due in part to the unfortunate visa troubles that the group from Belarus ran into, which at first delayed their arrival and then eventually canceled it altogether. I was really bummed about that... I had been praying for them to be able to make it as soon as I heard that they were having visa issues, but apparently God had different plans for them. Or did He? I must admit that I feel a bit of guilt over their absence, which sounds ridiculous I know, but it's true... I distinctly felt a call to spend some dedicated time praying and fasting for them, but I glossed over that feeling and contented myself with the occasional prayer for God to work everything out whenever I remembered. I mean, obviously God doesn't rely on my input to decide whether or not to lend aid in a situation... but I'm still left with the nagging feeling that I didn't hold up my end of the deal. I could have done more. I could have prayed harder, with greater trust and faith, and I could have skipped a meal or two and spent some time pleading for God to allow them to come. But I didn't. James 4 says that to not do what we know to be good is sin; not to beat up on myself too much, but does that mean that if I'm not praying as much as I know I should be that I'm living in sin? Yikes...

Last night we had some "man-time" for all the guys, which was alright but it consisted mainly of watching some football at the fjordstava with about 15 minutes of discussion during halftime. Hopefully we'll be able to follow up on that initial effort with some deeper talks and conversations about what it means to be a man of God. I think that I've let myself become slightly disappointed, disenchanted and mildly disenchanted over the way some things have been planned and/or carried out this past week. The trouble is deciding whether it's just me being a poor sport on a power trip (most likely) or whether I need to go to someone and say "hey, things are ok, but they could be tons better and here's why." Part of the problem is that it's so easy to compare this year to last, and since the study material for the week is basically the same it's even more convenient to fallback on worthless comparisons. How do you find that balance between contentment and striving for excellence, though? I'm a pretty content guy, generally speaking, and am quite adept at going with the flow... but what about those times when the flow is going in the wrong direction? I know that my content nature easily leads to complacency, but how do I know when I need to shake things up instead of sitting back and smiling? Hard to know.

Yesterday we hiked up to the top of Bolstadnose, which was just as fabulous a hike as I remembered it being from last year. A few people headed back after we stopped for lunch at Rebnisli, while the rest hiked on to the Skjolden overlook and on to the summit. Unfortunately, we couldn't spend much time enjoying the vast panorama of splendid views, as part of the view included a line of obvious rain-bearing clouds marching down the fjord in our general direction. We did manage to get in a brief bit of summer sledding as we made our way back down the mountain. I brought up the inner tubes which I had bought a week or so ago, and they worked great... a little too good, actually, as I was going way too fast to be able to stop once the snow ran out and quickly gave way to rocks. I got a little dinged up, but nothing serious.

Even though we got a little wet on the way down, it was still an awesome, exhilarating hike - quite possibly my favorite hike that I've done while in Norway. I had a chance to get to know some of the British team a bit better on the hike down (Adam, Gill, and Jane) as we debated the relative merits of having a tail. Steve, the cat lover that he is, was convinced that being endowed with a tail would make life much more interesting, but the prevailing opinion was that it would in fact be the most ridiculous thing ever if you had to go through life with a big, giant, furry tail attached to your backside, no matter what benefits it might provide. I'm looking forward to starting our Latvia preparation tomorrow with the Brits and the rest of the American squad. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but it's the kids and the craziness of Zosna Camp in Latvia that's truly my main reason for being here... everything else is icing on the cake (and what sweet icing it is!). Sharing memories and talking about future plans for camp with Steve over the past few days has only served to heighten my anticipation and whet my appetite.

I didn't really get a chance to have my usual quiet time yesterday; we left for the hike pretty much right after breakfast. The plan was to take some time during the hike to spend some time in the word, but the impending rainclouds kind of pushed that plan to the side. At first I was really disappointed at not getting the time I was hoping for... and then my disappointment turned to satisfaction when I realized that my soul was beginning to desire the Word enough that when I didn't get it, I was disappointed. It's a marker of my soul being drawn inexorably towards God and beginning to learn to crave Him... and after all, that's what I want more than anything. My meter-reading experience of the past year has helped teach me, too, that even when I'm just walking around, I can try and redeem the time by spending it in prayer. Usually I try and lean on something like the Jesus prayer, letting it match my breathing so that it almost becomes part of me... even if I can't focus me every thought on the Lord, I can at the very least let my lips and my lungs communicate with him, whether I'm hiking around in Norway or walking the streets of Portland.

Had a good time watching some more of the Euro Cup at the fjordstava last night. Turkey almost pulled off another crazy upset, but stolid Germany prevailed in the end. I guess there's a joke that goes something like the following...

Q. What's the definition of soccer?
A. 22 people playing a game, and Germany wins on penalty kicks

...evidently they have a bit of a reputation for success at the sport. We didn't end up playing any football yesterday, but we did get in some volleyball. Although Jan refuses to stoop to the level of playing that silly beach-side sport, he did hang out with us for a while and even came over for dinner afterwards. I'm really burdened to reach out to him; we seem to connect real well but I'm still looking for an opportunity to take our relationship to another level and share the Word with him. I can honestly say that I'm looking and waiting for that opportunity (maybe even lurking), but the moment just hasn't come as of yet. Hopefully soon!

Yesterday was slightly hectic and scattered, but it was a good day nonetheless. We spent some time in the morning discussing the concept of obedience, looking especially at the book of 1 John as the author lays out the importance and necessity of being obedient to Christ. John keeps it pretty simple when it comes right down to it: love God and love others. That's the big idea, those are the commandments we need to keep. Sounds simple enough... until you actually try and start living those ideas out, and then you realize it's almost an impossible proposition. It's not enough to simply not do "bad things" - murder, adultery, etc. - because God is calling us to an even higher standard and goal for our lives. He wants us to live for Him and for others, which means sacrificing our own goals, dreams, and desires, and love of ourselves, and to begin to truly live as though we love God and also our neighbor.

Last night was "American Night" (each nationality gets a chance to share something from their culture one night), so we had a cookout, played some "American" games, and also got in a game of volleyball down at the beach. I'm not particularly good at volleyball, but it is nice to play a game where my height serves as an advantage for a change. Later that evening we had an "iPod Idol" competition, which was some embarrassingly good fun. The idea is you play a song on your iPod (or other digital music player... Zune Idol just doesn't have the same ring to it, though) and turn the headphone volume up loud enough so that you can't hear yourself sing. It's absolutely hilarious to see and hear people singing at the top of their lungs to music only they can hear. I, of course, made an absolute fool of myself, but it was a grand time. We even had a panel of judges who issued scathing critiques of our pathetic singing attempts.

A couple from New Zealand has been staying at the hostel the past couple days (not as part of discipleship week; they're just traveling through), and they even good-naturedly joined in on the fun of iPod Idol. It's so cool to have people from such a range of countries and cultures coming through this place; I love it. I love hearing people pray in different languages (or accents), hearing what God is doing in different parts of the world, and getting a chance to fellowship with some really quality Christians who are from different countries. Good stuff.

Hopefully we'll get a chance to do some hiking today - it looks like some good weather is finally coming our way after a few drizzly and overcast days. We may try and get a football game going tonight, too - Jan is always up for a game, a quick text is all it takes for him to join the party, and he can usually round up a few others to come and play, too.

It's been really great to reconnect with Steve and Debs, the leaders of the group from the U.K. They more or less lead the Latvia portion of the trip, so they'll be helping us prepare for Zosna camp in the days to come. They're a great couple, and good friends too - they're both real servant leaders with a heart for the Lord. I'm really starting to get excited about Latvia. As great as Norway is, it's Latvia (and Zosna Camp in particular) that I really came back for. I get excited just thinking about getting back there!

Breakfast time - oatmeal again. I forgot just how little protein one tends to get outside of the U.S.

(Wednesday evening)

Enthusiasm for the 20/20 club seems to be waning. I'm not sure I fully thought out all of the possible implications and repercussions when I launched the proposal. I think some people might be feeling left out because they decided not to do it, because it's just not their thing. That's the last thing I wanted; I thought this could help build unity and camaraderie, not make someone feel left out or abandoned. Others who are doing it seem to be less than enthusiastic, and I hope I don't have to start strong-arming potential dropouts into staying the course.

I tend to get easily frustrated by what I perceive to be as weakness in others... I think that everyone should be as "tough" as I am (mentally/physically/spiritually/emotionally), and if they're not then they need to try to be. Truth is, people can be tough and disciplined in many ways, some of which I'm sure I'm pathetically weak in. And when it comes right down to it, who am I to judge others and decide how tough they are or are not?

All that to say, it still grieves me when a dream or a goal I have doesn't work out exactly as I envisioned it. Maybe that explains why I tend to be hesitant to pursue some dreams of mine that linger on the fringes of feasibility... I'd hate to fail.

Well, yesterday ended up being a 'slight' bit busier than I had anticipated, which is what led to the absence of yet another day's entry. This is going to have to be a long entry if I'm going to try and cover the events of the past few days before they fade out of my memory (assuming I have enough time today to cover everything I need to), so sit down and hang on tight... we're traveling a few days back in time.

Friday "officially" kicked off the International Discipleship Camp week here at Skjolden, as our mono-national group of Americans (and fairly non-diverse at that: all white, almost all from Colorado) was joined by people from Norway, Latvia, and the U.K. We've had eight more people in all join us, so the hostel is approaching max capacity. Some people had to leave on Sunday and Monday because of work commitments, while others are still filtering in (the group from Belarus is expected sometime on Tuesday). So far the roster looks like Marita, Monica and Olav from Norway; Max, Volva and Inna from Latvia; and Steve, Debs, Gill, Adam and Jane from the U.K. (one more, Lydia, won't be arriving until next week), plus our large American contingent.

Adam S. (from Colorado, to differentiate him from Adam C, from the U.K.) and I chopped down a tree just up the river on Friday afternoon before everyone started showing up. The person who owns the piece of land upriver from Elvheim wants to clear it off, so he's letting us take whatever we want for wood - you cut it, you can have it. Adam has a dream of making a wood table out of hewn and stripped logs, so he picked out a tall, straight tree that will hopefully fit the bill for the project. It ended up being a major task - the chainsaw he was borrowing from Edvin broke (the pull-cord snapped right off), so we switched to the tried-and-true, old fashioned method: an ax. The tree was a tough old son-of-a-birch, though, so it took an extensive amount of chopping (with a dull and loose-headed ax, no less) before we got the tree to start to fall... and immediately it got caught in another tree. We ended up chopping through the entire tree before we got it to finally fall. Hard work? Definitely. But the satisfaction in exercising my dominion over nature was worth every drop of sweat, sore muscle, and blistered palm.

Doing some good man-work with another guy (or guys) is always good for the soul. There's been times where I've felt like I've had trouble really connecting with Adam - it has nothing to do with anything he's done or said, but the fact of the matter is that, although we're fairly close in age, our lives and backgrounds are fairly different: he's in professional ministry, i'm a "retired" hobo/nomad; he's married, I'm not; Midwest, Northeast; people tend to go to him for answers, while I try to inspire people to ask questions; he's a leader, i'm more of a "herder" (whatever that means... i just made it up); and multiple other differences in taste, style, and methods. That being said... he's a brother in the Lord and a student of the Word, a great leader, and it's been really good to get to know him better, learn from someone who's wiser and more experienced, and of course do some quality man-work together when the occasion arises. I strongly believe that working together with other Christians (a.k.a. "service projects") builds a sense of community and fosters true fellowship better than almost anything else.

Friday evening we shared a meal with those who had just arrived, and Darrell led us in a discussion afterwards about what it means to abide in Christ. We also managed to get in a game of football (note: soccer = football overseas, so that's what I call it) in the afternoon. My friend Jan (pronounced "yon") was the only to make it from Skjolden, but it was good to see him again - I've been praying for him and a few other guys all this past year, so it's been good to be able to quickly re-connect and strike up conversations anew with him. Later that evening a few of us headed over to the fjordstava (sort of like a community center) to catch the second half of a Euro Cup game. Jan had arranged for us to watch it on the big screen over there and to be able to stay past the "official" closing time. Adam S. decided earlier in the trip that since he was going to be in Europe during the Euro Cup, he should at least try and follow the tournament and get excited about it, which was such a brilliant idea that most of us have latched onto it. Croatia was the team I picked to root for, so I was quite excited when they took a 1-0 lead around the 86th minute... only to see Turkey score as time was expiring and then win on penalty kicks. Crushing. Fortunately, being a sports fan from the Boston area, I'm used to heartbreak, so I managed to sleep that night (unlike that night in October of 2003 when I walked the streets of Cedarville for hours, muttering to myself "Aaron Bleeping Boone... ah gosh... I hate life...").

Saturday we spent some time studying and discussing in small groups the idea of making Christ the center of our lives. Part of the question is, do we trust Him? Really, truly, absolutely? Do I fully believe that God has my best in mind as He orchestrates my life? Would god be so calloused as to sacrifice someone for the greater good of the Kingdom? Tough questions. I think, if I were to be brutally honest, I would have to admit that I probably believe that God is trustworthy, that He has both mine and the Kingdom's best interests at heart and can realize both simultaneously... but I'm not sure that I fully "know" it yet. There still seem to be too many inconsistencies between what I believe and what i see to let me mind relax and fully grasp the concept. Maybe I could say that I believe, but that I probably don't fully trust... yet.

Anyways, on Saturday afternoon everyone went on a hike up to Osen - a few stopped and turned around at the waterfall, while everyone else powered on up to the lake. Cody almost realized his dream of catching a sheep on the way up - there were a couple of sheep hanging out in a cave right beside the trail that looked prime for catching, but they managed to elude his grasp and started careening down the mountain... but not before they led Cody right through a ginormous patch of fireweed. Ouch. Sort of a double-whammy... didn't catch the sheep, and his arms burnt like crazy from getting fireweed on them.

Karlis and Jan came along on the hike, and it was great to have a chance to talk to them some more and try to connect on a different and deeper level. We stayed pretty close on the way up, but they ended up hiking down with some of the other guys, and I heard later that Adam S. and Cody had an awesome chance to really clearly share some of the Gospel with them. I must admit, I had some mixed emotions when I heard that... the first was "Glory, hallelujah!", but my next thought was "Gee, how come I didn't get that opportunity? I've been praying for them, investing in our relationship the entire time I've been here, last year and this, and hoping for a chance to share the Word with them, and someone else gets that opportunity?" I know, real mature. But I really did struggle with feelings of jealousy and uselessness for a while until God moved my mind to an even scarier thought - would I have shared the Word on the walk down, or would I have sacrificed the importance of the Gospel for the sake of maintaining a relationship? Or, to put it more bluntly, do I care more about someone's relationship with me or their relationship with God? Yikes... talk about super-convicting. Whatever the case, I think that God worked everything out in His best interest - putting people at the right place at the right time. I need to learn to be satisfied with my role, while still seeking to discover what it truly is.

I decided to walk back from Osen instead of piling into one of the cars - I needed some alone time (which I'm sure all good introverted homeschoolers can appreciate) and a chance to think some things out. The only catch was that someone else decided last second to join me on the walk back. I struggled to not be totally snobbish and purposefully anti-social, because I was slightly peeved that "my" time was being imposed on. All things considered, it ended up being a good chance to get to know someone better, which hopefully was only slightly spoiled my originally rotten attitude. I was counting on getting some down time on Sunday afternoon, but that ended up getting postponed due to good weather - when it's nice and sunny in Norway, it's time to drop everything and hike. So Joshua, the Adams, Cody and I biked part of the way while Olav, Monica, and Max shuttled the rest of the gang (us included) to the trailhead in their vehicles. We hiked up Molden, which is a 1100m mountain that stands at the beginning of the arm of the fjord which Skjolden sits at the end of. It was a fairly reasonable climb, and there were some utterly fantastic views along the way and once we reached the top. Cody and I tried our hand at sheep-catching again,but alas, no success... I got my hands on a sheep, but it proved too fast, strong, and fearless for me to hang on to. Next time...

I was pretty knackered by the end of the hike, but managed to muster enough internal fortitude to head out for a game of football we had planned with some of the local guys once we got back. I had to do a little arm-twisting and persuading to get anyone to join me, but we managed to get a good rousing game of 5 on 5 going eventually. I'll never be mistaken for a proper footballer, but I am getting to be slightly less awkwardly horrific out on the field. I busted my lip up pretty good when I caught a ball right in my face, but it served to make me look way more hardcore than I really am so I couldn't really complain.

Today has turned into the relaxing day I'd been hoping for. I skipped a trip to visit the stave church at Ornes - it's a sweet place, but I went there last year and needed to do some catching up on journaling (obviously) and resting. Plus, I needed some extended me-time. So, it's been a laid-back afternoon, which is just what I needed. I missed my Sabbath yesterday, so it feels good to be able to have one today instead. I'm realizing that I need to make journaling a higher daily priority so that I can do a better job of covering the events and my thoughts when they're fresh instead of trying to recall and recreate them a few days down the road. Plus, it makes for a lot of writing all at once. Now, though, I need to get going and do a little bit of tidying up before everyone else gets back.

Somehow I missed journaling yesterday amidst the hub-bub of everybody arriving. And tonight's will be a short entry due to the lateness of the hour and the earliness of breakfast. I've got a lot of catching up to do - lots of thoughts, feelings, events, and people to write about. So, in the pursuit of full disclosure, journalistic integrity, and a good night's sleep, I'll finish today by doing what I do best - procrastinate.

Last night turned into a bit of an adventure. While I was sitting downstairs journaling (around 10:45), Cody came downstairs, obviously full of energy, and announced "I'm ready for some adventure." A man after my own heart! So, we ended up doing the hike which goes to the top of the waterfall which overlooks Elvheim. Lars came along too, and we had a great night of man time - despite (or because of?) the sketchiness of the hike. It was getting pretty dark (at least for Norway) and it was lightly raining, which made the trail super-slippery. We made it up in pretty good time and enjoyed an utterly fantastic view... the whole valley was calm and quiet, and you could see all the houses with their lights on twinkling in the twilight. It's a beautiful view any day of the week, but that night it was extra-special. I'm not sure why, but we felt compelled to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the top of our lungs (I'm sure no-one heard us, which was probably a good thing given the quality of our rendition) before we headed back down. It actually took us longer to make it back down than it had to hike up because the trail was so sketchy by that point (almost pitch-dark in the woods, and the rocks were as slippery as ice from the rain). Cody had forgotten to put in his contacts before the hike, so he was basically hiking blind by that point... but, God was good, and we all made it back down relatively unscathed. It was good to get to know Cody and Lars a bit better - they're both solid dudes, and it was great to have a chance to talk with them during the hike.

Today has been a good day - it's been raining for most of the day, so we pretty much stayed inside and did some cleaning and preparation for tomorrow, when a bunch more people will be showing up for International Discipleship Camp... students and leaders from Norway, Latvia, Belarus, and the U.K. will join us for a week of study, fellowship, growth, and experiencing the outdoors together. Can't wait for it to start!

Had a short nap this afternoon, spent some time in the Word, and had a good chat with Darrell Sr. He challenged me to think about my gifts, looking for areas where God has gifted/blessed me to sort of help point me in whatever direction I need to go. I think I tend to focus more on my faults - looking for what I'm not so great at and then ruling options out. It feels awkward to talk and think about what I'm good at - perhaps it's because I have a poor picture of what it really means to be humble and practice humility. I need to do some more thinking and praying on that subject.

The only "catastrophe" of the day was that the rice cooker sort of crapped its proverbial pants during supper prep, so the rice ended up being soupy/soggy/blah. It still tasted alright, but I always feel self-conscious and disappointed when something I'm in charge of doesn't work out exactly as I had hoped. Anyways, just a minor mishap during an otherwise splendid day.

I gave my testimony (or, as I prefer to say, shared my story) earlier tonight with the rest of the team, which was good - it's always good to share and to hear what God has been doing in people's lives. However... I think God may be using other people to prod me towards something. I'm too scared/hesitant to even write it down, because that would transfer an idea, a thought, a dream into something more concrete than I think I'm ready for right now. It seems like over the past couple weeks God has been prompting people to ask me pointed questions, as though they already knew exactly what my thoughts were. Creepy. I've managed to talk around the idea and dodge the issue for a while now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do that without letting the dream out of the pillowcase. It makes me feel like I'm holding something back from people I know/love/trust. So, we'll see what happens. I'm excited and scared to see where things may lead. But as for now... it's bedtime.

I just got back from an exhilarating sauna experience. We did some work today for a guy named Edvin who lives in Skjolden. He's an amazing man of God who's been involved with the Navigators in some capacity for most of his life, but he's also getting on in years so we helped him out by doing some yard work (mowing, weeding, trimming, pruning, etc.) and also some prep work so we'll be able to paint part of his house either tomorrow or in the near future. Anyways, out of appreciation for our work he offered us the use of his sauna this evening... so use it we did. Three sessions followed each time by a quick dip in the 3- or 4-degree C river water has a way of invigorating the body, soul, and mind. Now I can't wait until the banya in Latvia!

I hope we get to do some more hiking soon - it's been several days since our last "real" hike (not counting the brief stroll to the Skjolden overlook yesterday), and I'm really feeling the urge to tackle one of the many mountains surrounding us. I was talking with some of the guys last night about - hold that thought, someone must have read my mind because there's been a quick change in plans: I'm headed out on a night-hike with Lars and Cody. Adios.

I had a great talk with Darrell Sr. over lunch today. He helped me think through some issues concerning calling, direction, and seeking the will of God. I love opportunities like that, and they seem to come more often here than elsewhere. It probably has something to do with the fact that there are people from every age, walk of life, nation, and culture who come through this place over the course of the summer. What a great glimpse into what heaven will be like! I still find myself feeling torn in two in regards to where and what I should be doing - part of me would really like to find a good, steady job doing something I enjoy, settle down back home in Maine, invest myself fully in the community and in my church, and generally "settle down"... but another part of me is filled with what I like to call "the Wanderlust." It craves new experiences, life on the road, no commitments or binds, maybe even moving to a different country and immersing myself in the language and culture and investing myself in the people. If one of those desires was calling louder than the other or felt more "right," then I think it would be easy to pursue wholeheartedly. But as for now, I'm still unsure as to my specific calling. I've been coming to the realization over this past year that it's much more vital to focus on furthering and deepening my relationship with God in the present than to spend too much time worrying and pondering over the "big questions" of life (jobs, relationships, location, etc.)... not that they aren't important, but those questions need to remain secondary to maintaining and deepening my relationship with God.

I slept amazingly well last night - I don't think I've had that good a night's sleep since my first night in Skjolden. I'm excited about really getting to know some of the other team members better, diving into real relationships and moving past the surface-level acquaintances that we are at the moment. We're starting to share our testimonies with each other, which is such a great way to get to know people. Joshua and Kelsey went this morning and afternoon, and it was so great to hear how God has been at work in two drastically different people from very different backgrounds in order to draw them both towards Him. Good stuff.

We went up to the Skjolden overlook this afternoon, just a short hike outside of the town, and spent some time in silence. It was a good time - God brought up some stuff that I needed to deal with. I was also impressed and overwhelmed by the idea that I am known by God - every fragment of my being, along with every last quark, photon and particle of Creation. I was thinking about how amazing it is that God knows everything about everything... but, wouldn't it actually be more amazing if He didn't know everything? It seems to me that a god who knew anything short of everything wouldn't really be much of a god at all. Hmm.

I'm trying to get the guys on board with one of my patented crazy ideas - the "20-20 club," which would involve jumping into the fjord on 20 different days as well as memorizing 20 verses. I think it would be good for me, if no-one else, and at least a few of the guys seem to be motivated to do it. Hopefully it'll turn out to be a good way to build camaraderie while also cutting a toughness groove in our minds, bodies, and souls.

We spent some time this morning looking at Galatians 1. I was blown away by Paul's boldness in asserting his authority. I think I fall into the trap of "false humility" pretty often, trying to portray the image that I don't think too highly of myself when that's anything but the case. I constantly catch myself trying to manipulate people's opinions of me, striving to 'appear' humble so they'll think "gee, what a humble guy - he must really love Jesus." What a pathetic sham. I need to let God be God, me be me, and screw the opinions and thoughts of everyone else. But on the flip side, I think I also need to be more confident and assertive in the areas which God has gifted me. Paul certainly showed no shame in claiming his gifts and asserting his spot in the body of Christ. No sense in parading about in a cloak of false humility that obscures the very gifts with which God has intended you to use for His glory.

God, help me to love your praise more than that of people. Help me to seek you first and foremost. Make me die to self, and come alive again in you. Help me to build lasting relationships with the team, while also aiding them in whatever means possible to seek after you. Bring out the hurt, sorrow and pain that we all have, so that we may be able to share each other's burdens

Back in Skjolden - oh how sweet! I'm really tired and it's really late, so this is undoubtedly going to be brief. We had an uneventful (long and beautiful, but fairly boring) trip up to Skjolden by ferry and bus. I feel like "the trip" has officially begun now that we're here. Looking forward to fitting into "my role" a little more firmly, whatever that may end up looking like. Had a good talk with Beth on the bus ride up today, and another really good chat with Darrell late this evening. Played some soccer with some of the local guys, had a chance to chat and reconnect with Jan and Karlis (couple of guys who live in Skjolden), and made plans to go on a hike with them later this week. And now, it's bedtime.

Last day in Bergen - thank goodness! Nothing against the city (it's great, as far as cities go), but I'm more than ready to head back to Skjolden. I'm a country boy at heart... cities are okay, but give me some tall mountains and deep fjords any day of the week. The last team member (whose arrival I inadvertently overlooked), Beth, arrived today - she's been on this trip for the past two years and is joining us for at least part of the trip this year.

We had some good "man-time" yesterday before dinner - all of the guys got together for a chat down by the pier, just talking about how we can be growing closer together as a group of men, serve each other and the team, and both draw from the wisdom and experience of more mature brothers while simultaneously striving to be an example for each other in our lives. When the guys got back to Olav's apartment later that evening, we had some really good discussion about some different stuff - God, relationships, girls, etc. It was good to have a chance to open up with each other, share from my life and my struggles, and hear each other's thoughts and experiences. Man time is always good time.

We went to church this morning, which was pretty cool... despite the fact that it was long, in a different language, and did i mention that it was long (2+ hours!)? But the worship was good, what I was able to understand of the message was good (thanks to some translation by Olav and another Norwegian friend), and overall it was an enjoyable experience. I noticed some similarities between this church and my own back in Maine, in both the style of service and some of the liturgy, which might be in part because of the deep Scandinavian roots that the Covenant church has... or, I could be stretching to make a connection when there's no deep reason behind any superficial similarities at all.

Had a good talk with Darrell and Annette on our way down from Floyen this afternoon (took the tram up and hiked down). It was good to hear from them how they thought I'd fit in and be utilized this summer. While I still struggle occasionally with little "power urges" like I mentioned a couple days ago, God's been good at helping me let those feelings just wash over me like a wave, and then quickly dissipate as I let them pass me by. I still wonder sometimes why I'm here... not as in "what am I doing here, this sucks," but more like "how did I get here, and where exactly am I going? How have my past choices influenced the course of my life to put me where I am today?" I can see where I've been, I know where I am, but where on earth am I going? Olav put that idea into a good word-picture yesterday - we were talking about how God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and he said that looking at our lives with God's perspective makes everything make sense, just like looking at the view from the top of a mountain lets you see the entire landscape laid out in front of you. You can see how everything fits into place, why you traveled where you did and where God has been trying to get you to. That really struck a chord with me; it's a good perspective to have. I just look forward to that "mountain-top" experience, when everything will finally fit into place and make sense.

It's so easy to take things for granted sometimes. I let Dylan borrow my sunglasses while we were playing together, and he accidentally dropped them and the lens got slightly scratched - not enough to render the sunglasses inoperable, but just enough to make the scratch slightly visible whenever I'm wearing them. This is sort of embarrassing to admit, but that really bummed me out - I wasn't mad, just frustrated. Little things like that have a tendency to annoy me. So, I ended up strolling around Bergen for a while, looking for either (a) a scratch-repair kit, or (b) a new (and cheap!) pair of sunglasses. Unfortunately, neither search was successful. But as I was thinking about it afterwards (i.e., right now), I realized a couple of things: I probably take a lot of things for granted until they're not around anymore (i.e., I never even give my sunglasses a second thought until they're disabled), and also I probably spend more time and energy worrying about the little things in life than I do about the big things. I mean, honestly, they're just a pair of sunglasses, and yet I allowed myself to grow upset and consternated over a little scratch. But when was the last time I allowed myself to be concerned about the state of someone's soul - my own or someone else's? Um... let's not dwell on that for long, it's far too convicting.

Anyways, it's been a fairly relaxing day thus far, which has been good. I'm feeling a little tired and out of it this afternoon. We're going out to eat for dinner in a little while, which I of course am inordinately excited about. Tomorrow I think the plan is to go to church in the morning, then take the tram up to Floyen (another mountain overlooking Bergen) before we pack up and get ready to hit the road early Monday morning... we're taking the 8am ferry out of town. I love being on the water, so I can't wait for that next leg of the journey.

Well, everyone is finally here. Yesterday and today have been pretty busy, hence my inability to write until now. The rest of the team from the U.S. came in yesterday morning and afternoon. We have 13 total people here now (including Darrell, Annette and Dylan). Ten of the crew are from Colorado, with the three outcasts (myself included) coming from Maine, Arizona and Massachusetts. Funny story about the girl from MA, Jenny - apparently she used to date a guy named Patrick Noonan a few years ago, and unfortunately once the relationship went south he couldn't quite grasp the fact that it was over. So, when she heard that a "Patrick Noonan" was going on the trip, her first thought was that her old boyfriend was stalking her all the way to Europe. I told her that my new goal for the summer was to restore the good name of Patrick Noonan to at least an average level of respectability. I've been pretty impressed with the team so far. I was concerned that with so many of the group already knowing each other before the trip that they might tend to be slightly cliquey, but so far that hasn't appeared to be the case. Time will tell.

Once everyone had arrived yesterday, we went down to the fish market to see the sights. I must admit that, generally speaking, while I'm overseas I'm slightly ashamed to be an American. We're loud, proud, cheap, and tend to stick out like a sore thumb, especially when in groups. Yesterday I was talking to a girl who was working at the fish market (most of the workers are from other European countries - she happened to be from Spain), and she said that the French and Italians often buy seafood, but never the Americans - they always try the free samples, but never buy anything. So true.

I've been struggling with some thoughts and motives that have been coming to the surface the last couple of days. I'm realizing that I like to be in charge, which is sort of a surprise - I always thought that I tended to shy away from responsibility. Perhaps a better way to put it is that I like to be needed - whether for information, directions, guidance, brute strength, or whatever. Yesterday I felt a little out of the loop on a couple of things, and I found myself growing real resentful real fast - thinking "hey, don't forget about me, I'm a leader too!" So stupid. I think I need to start examining my actions and motives more intently, to make sure I'm not purposefully withholding information or "power" from others just to feed my own selfish ego. This is all coming as sort of a surprise, as I've never really coveted being in a position of more responsibility or leadership before... I typically like to stay behind the scenes, do the grunt work and let other people take charge. Maybe it's because I feel more capable of leadership now than I have before that I find myself coveting greater power and responsibility, or maybe it's just because I feel entitled to something that was never proffered in the first place... it's human nature to want what we don't have, and to be discontent with what we do possess.

Last night, we joined the local Navs group for their end-of-the-year get-together. It was a good time of FFF (fun, food and fellowship), and it was good to see some people again who I had met last year. It was so great to worship together, share the Word together, and see and hear how God is working in lives all around the world. You can tell that their faith and their fellowship with each other is vitally important to them - they've poured themselves out for the sake of the Gospel and each other. So cool. The only downer was that we had been told that it was going to be a "grillfest," or a cookout, so we had visions of burgers and hot dogs dancing through our head... but apparently, the menu changed last minute to salad and bread. Very Norwegian, to be sure, but when you have meat on the mind it's hard to suddenly shift expectations and be content with a heaping bowl of pasta salad. Such is life.

Some of the guys (myself, Joshua, Lars, and Cody) are staying at Olav's house (bachelors unite!), while the girls (Cayley, Jenny, Lindsey and Kelsey) plus Adam and Renae are staying in the Elgin's basement (an awesome family that has long been involved with the Navs), and Darrell, Annette and Dylan are staying at another friend's house a short distance from the Elgins. This morning we all met up at the basement around 9, had some breakfast, and then headed out for a hike up Ulrikken, one of the 7 mountains which surround Bergen. We were going to hang out at the top for a while, but a swift-moving rainstorm changed that plan, so we started hiking down until the rain stopped. Then we took some time to reflect on the past year - what's happened, where we've been, how we got where we are today. I'm still processing that whole line of thought... perhaps I'll be able to to outline it better when (a) I have a better grasp on the whole subject myself, and (b) I have some time to think it through more thoroughly and then jot down some thoughts. I do know that I've sacrificed a lot to be here - but I'm so filled with joy that it feels lee like a sacrifice and more like an investment, since I appear to be getting the better end of the deal. Show me, Lord, where you've brought me. And when You're ready, lead me where I need to go.

Ok, so technically speaking it's actually Thursday... but practically it's still a continuation of Wednesday into the early a.m. hours. I'm in Bergen, staying with Olav, a friend of mine from last year, who just graduated but will be continuing to work on staff with the Navigators this next year. He's an awesome guy, and it's been good to reconnect and also to get to know him a little bit better. I came down on the early bus (like 6am departure time early) with Adam and Renae, and then bummed around Bergen for a bit, seeing the sights and re-familiarizing myself with the city until Darrell, Annette and Dylan showed up later this evening (Darrell Sr. and Sandy decided to stay up at Elvheim until we rejoin them there in a few days). Hopefully I'll have a chance to write more tomorrow... it's been a busy day and I desperately need some sleep. The rest of the team arrives tomorrow, so the summer program is about to officially start. Let the craziness begin! Give me strength, God, and give me sleep!

Last evening I had a great time of fellowship and sharing with the rest of the gang - made some "real" hot chocolate (i.e., melted chunks of chocolate in hot milk) and shared what we'd been thinking about and reading in our quiet times recently. We ended up talking for quite a while about the soul - how do we connect with people on that level? What holds us back? Do I even know the state of my own soul? I shared how I've been pondering the idea of what it means to "hunger and thirst after God/righteousness," and how as your soul is emptied of poor food and drink it begins to crave God; pure, unadulterated, life-giving God.

It doesn't look like I'm going to be able to get out on my own for some solo backpacking time. Even though that was my original plan, I'm glad that it's changed. I realize now that what I really needed, what I was really craving, was rest and fellowship... both of which I've been getting in abundance. Only two more days until the rest of the crew shows up, so I might as well take advantage of what little down time remains.

I feel slightly guilty at times that I don't miss my "home" at all. I still think of the people, friends and family, and the place, but I don't (at least not yet) really miss or long for them. Is that a bad thing? Shouldn't I be missing my family, or my church, or even my old apartment? Maybe it's just because I'm well-suited for a life on the road... or maybe, if I'm honest, it's because I avoid putting down my roots too deep. Do I try and keep people at arm's length so I won't be tied down to one place by strong relationships? Perhaps. I need to think on that some more. For now, though, another bowl of oatmeal and cup of coffee are in order.

Today is a much more typical Norwegian day weather-wise - cool, spotty rain showers, cloudy, with a blustery wind... I love it. It's been a pretty laid-back day, we were doing some odd chores and tasks this morning but nothing is really on the schedule for this evening. It's been great getting to know Darrell Sr. and Sandy, and Adam and Renae better as the days go by. Every once in a while I feel a little awkward and out of place, being the only single person in the group (except for Dylan, but he hardly counts). It has nothing to do with anyone intentionally making me feel out of the loop or different or anything like that - it's just that sometimes I'll catch a look or a glance, hear a phrase or tone of voice, or observe some other audible, visual or physical cue that will expose just how much someone cares for their spouse, and I'll feel a twinge of longing for that kind of relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love my life - I love the freedom that being single affords me; the ability to go, work, and live wherever, whenever; I love the reliance on God for relationship and community that being single creates; the "vacare Deo," the vacancy for God, to do His will at a moment's notice without thoughts for wife and family...

All that being said, I think that it's only natural to have occasional feelings of loneliness, or to think that it might be nice to have someone to come home to at night, someone to share life's joys and pains and experiences with. I don't know what God's will is for me in that area... All I know is that for today (and in all likelihood, tomorrow), I plan on living life to the fullest, just as I am. All I need is God; I want to hunger and thirst after Him, to breathe Him in every moment of every day, to love Him more than life itself.

I've recently begun working on memorizing the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). As I was working on the Beatitudes this past week, I had this picture in my head of Jesus, sitting down amidst the crowds on the hillside, beginning to teach... but not to the group. To each individual. I could picture Him saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," and as he said it looking at someone who he knew fit that description, locking eyes with them, and then finishing by saying "...for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." The Word of God is powerful enough to move nations and stir souls at the same time.

God, fill me with your Word. Saturate me, so that I may be ready and willing to share your Word at all times, with all people. Help me to model servant leadership this summer. Keep me involved in the present while not forgetting the past or failing to look forward to the future.

I suppose that, technically speaking, I forgot to write in this journal yesterday. But in my defense, this is such a timeless place that it really is hard to keep track of what day it is, let alone what the time is. So, I'll make a valiant effort to cover both days in one blow. Yesterday we went on a hike to Osen, which is a high mountain lake (at close to 900 meters) about 6 or 7 kilometers up the valley. It was a gorgeous day, and an awesome hike - it's such a magnificent view from the top. A huge waterfall is fed by a stream flowing from the lake, and it thunders past the trail at one point. The water falls with such force that it kicks up a huge spray which almost instantaneously drenches you as you hike along the side of it.

One of my goals for this summer is to develop (or re-develop, as the case may be) a regular, consistent prayer life. I want to be able to set aside time each day not only for silence, reflection, and communication, but also to integrate a running dialogue with God into the rhythms of my day. I've asked the rest of the group here to hold me accountable, to ask me how my prayer life is going and to spur me on. I already feel so blessed to be surrounded by "such a cloud of witnesses," six other believers who are older, more mature, wiser, and filled with the joy of the Lord. My soul feels nourished and renewed as I spend time in their fellowship. Lord, thank you for the saints you've surrounded me with, both here and at home. Help me to learn, to listen and to look to them for Your help, guidance and wisdom. Help me to pray, Lord. Teach me..

(Sunday evening)

Today has been a day of rest. And technically speaking, that's what it's supposed to be - time may be more relative here than back in the states, but the cycle God has built into the very core of our soul still craves that day of rest. I'd like to start taking the 4th commandment more seriously. I don't know exactly what that will look like or how to go about it, but as I look at Scripture it appears that the principle of resting on the sabbath is a big enough deal to God that I need to start taking it more seriously. I got in my "traditional" Sunday afternoon nap (which I just woke up from), and my body feels like it's finally fully adjusted to Norway time

It's close to 6pm, so it's been nearly 36 hours since my last entry. It's gone by quickly; I arrived in Skjolden at around 10:30 yesterday morning, along with the six bags I was shuttling up here from Oslo. I felt like the worst packer ever... I mean, seriously, who brings six (6!) bags with them on a trip, except maybe Arabian royalty or hip-hop artists? It was especially ludicrous since only one of the bags was my own, and I even tried to pack light - good thing!

Yesterday afternoon we went for a hike to the top of the waterfall which overlooks Elvheim (the youth hostel at which everyone stays at). By "we," I mean Darrell and Annette, the couple who leads this trip every summer, and also Adam and Renae, a couple close to my age who also work with the Navigators in Colorado. (at CSU, I think). Darell's parents are also here, Darrell Sr. (or Big D, in order to differentiate him from his son) and Sandy. And, of course, my good buddy Dylan (Darrell and Annette's almost-3-year-old son) is here for his third summer. He remembered me from last summer - whether because of parental prompting or out of superb recollection skills, I'm not sure - and came right up as soon as he saw me and said "Patrick! Hi, buddy!" and gave me a hug. It's been nice to begin to reconnect with some old friends from last year (Darrell, Annette and Dylan) as well as begin to forge what I'm sure will be quality relationships with new acquaintances.

After the hike and an inaugural fjord jump (so cold, so refreshing), a leisurely dinner and some unpacking, I headed to bed around 9pm, utterly exhausted... and didn't wake up until 9:30 the net morning. It was such a delicious nights sleep, a real gift from the Lord. After only maybe three hours of sleep in the last 60 hours of life, it was much needed. It was good to be soothed to sleep by the sound of the rushing river right outside my bedroom window...

Today we did some work outside - dug out and filled a sandbox for kids to play in (mainly for Dylan at the moment, but all are welcome), spread some gravel on a walkway down to the backyard, re-planted some fauna and flora, moved some large rocks, an generally logged a day of quality man-work. I took another refreshing dip in the fjord earlier this afternoon, and now I'm enjoying a little down time before dinner. It's so light still - the sun goes behind the mountains a little after 7pm, but even then it never really gets "dark." Around 2am it'll be pretty dim, but you can still see your way around without any trouble.

Skjolden is set in a valley at the end of the longest and deepest fjord in Norway. Two rivers carve their way through impressive mountain ranges before eventually winding their way into Skjolden and depositing their ice-cold, glacier-fed water into the fjord. Mountains, many of them over 1,000m high and still holding onto snow on their peaks, line every point of the horizon. Waterfalls cascade down cliffs hundreds of meters high into the rivers or the fjord. What little level ground there is is lush and green. It's like a real-life Rivendell, minus the elves. The hostel, Elvheim (which means "river home"), is both roomy and inviting, basic and yet comfortable. A fast-moving river runs right past the backyard, filling the hostel with the sound of running water. And... God is here. I feel Him, and I hear His call. Not that I don't elsewhere, but, at least for me, staying at Skjolden is like taking off a pair of sweaty, dirty, smudged sunglasses - suddenly I see things more clearly. The facades and artifices of life drop away, and as my soul is emptied of distractions and purged of the straw and hay I've been feeding it, I feel... empty. And hungry. Desiring God, "hungering and thirsting after righteousness." I begin to sense the kol Yahweh, the call of God - "Draw near to me." Help me, Lord. Draw me nearer, fill me with real food, with living water, with Life, so that I may be available to empty myself out for others.

It's 6am and I'm in Sogndal, waiting for the bus to take me to Skjolden. Exhaustion is finally setting in - I've probably only had 2-3 hours of fitful sleep since my journey started on Tuesday. I always have a hard time sleeping in an upright position (especially if it's an airline or bus seat). The bus was nearly empty last night so I could stretch out a little bit on the 7-hour ride from Oslo, but real sleep has still managed to evade me thus far. That's ok; I'd hate to miss any of this scenery. This area has to be one of the prettiest spots in the universe. It always feels like I'm "coming home" when I approach Skjolden. Maybe it's because the terrain reminds me in part of Maine (except, I must admit, on a grander scale), which, at least for the moment, is my home... although whether that's because of geographical and cultural reasons or simply because of the fact that it's where my family lives, I'm not sure.

Whatever the case, I'm left with the inexplicable feeling once again that Skjolden is meant for me - or maybe vice-versa. I feel as though I belong (in some small way, for some short time) here; the mountains and fjords speak to my soul, the waterfalls enchant my eyes, the rushing river that flows through Skjolden is calling me... but to what? To here, to this place? Or to another, even more beautiful place waiting for me someday, of which this paradise on earth is but a hollow echo? I'm not sure. Does it even matter? I'm here, I'm happy, and I can't wait to finish this part of the journey and arrive "home."

Oslo, Norway. At long last, I'm back to my second-favorite country ever (hey, as screwed up as it may be, the good ol' U.S. of A. is still pretty sweet). I sort of fit the typical Norwegian body type and appearance, so I get a lot of people trying to speak Norwegian with me when I'm over there - I always feel slightly sheepish to have to reply in English and shatter their perceptions. Oh well. I met up with part of the U.S. team here in Oslo, and spent a good portion of the day walking around Oslo with Lindsey, Cayley, Lars, Cody, and Kelsey while I killed time in between my flight arrival in the morning and my bus departure that evening. It was good to put some faces to names (actually, that's a lie; thanks to the almighty Facebook, I already knew what everyone looked like, but it was still great to meet them in real life) and get to know some of the people I'll be spending the next 6+ weeks with.

Right now I'm on my way via bus to Skjolden with some "extra" luggage... 5 extra bags of supplies, to be precise. The guys I met today are doing some exploring on their own before the trip officially starts next week, so I'm bringing some of their extra gear as well as some food and supplies for the summer that Darrell and Annette (the trip leaders) sent over with them. Finally, I'm living up to my self-ascribed nickname of "the sherpa!" My life is now complete. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep on the bus ride tonight (it's 10pm local time now), because I've gotten next to no sleep over the last 30+ hours. It's possible that I may have gotten an hours worth of sleep on the plane ride from Newark to Oslo last night, but that estimate would be a bit optimistic.

I had a very bad moment when I boarded the plane which served to sour the rest of the flight for me. Earlier that morning when I had checked in online, I had managed to procure a fantastic seat (bulkhead/exit row, window seat), which caused me to positively drool at the thought of being able to sit on a plane without my knees bashing me in the nose. But as I was about to take my seat, a woman with a small child who was in the middle seat of my row started talking to me in Norwegian (of course). Once she realized I was American, she effortlessly and fluently switched to English... and politely and pleadingly asked if I could switch seats with her husband, who was 5 rows back in an aisle seat (I hate aisle seats; the flight attendants are always bashing my shins and shoulder when they try and drive their battering ram of a beverage cart down the aisle). Being the prototypical "pushover Christian nice guy" that I am, I of course offered to switch with her husband in order to reunite this poor family, split apart by the ravages of air travel.

As soon as I acquiesced to the request, I immediately HATED myself for doing so. I was at the point of tears as I tried to squeeze my ungainly form into the too-tight aisle seat, and found myself asking the question, "Is this what Christianity is supposed to look like?" On the surface, it makes sense... "do unto others, love your neighbor," etc. But I was so filled with bitterness, discontent, anger, and claustrophobia that the only thing I could think was that if Jesus would have switched seats with that family (which I'm sure he would have, and cheerfully), then I'm not so sure that I want to be exactly like Him. It sounds and looks heretical to even write that, but it is (or at least was) true. So the question I've been asking myself ever since then is this: should I do the "right thing" if I know that it's going to make me feel like shit? Isn't the "joy of the Lord" supposed to be my reward for doing what seems to be the right thing? I suppose if I had turned her down, I would have felt a little self-conscious while I was sitting next to her for the 9 hour trip. And maybe my self-pity and self-centeredness clouded my vision and kept me from taking advantage of a new opportunity to talk to new people in my new (albeit cramped) seat.

Well, the first leg of the journey has passed without any trouble - except for spilling chicken and broccoli sauce all over my lap while eating some Chinese food during my layover in Newark. If that's my biggest problem, then I have no problems. I'm still waiting to get my phone unlock code from AT&T (formerly Cingular, formerly AT&T, formerly who knows what else) so I'll be able to use it while I'm overseas; it's a minor hassle that I haven't received it yet, but again, no big deal. I got everything packed (at least... I think I did) without any trouble, and Mom was gracious enough to drop me off at the Portland airport.

You know what I think I miss most since all of the post-9/11 security measures have been implemented? Airport goodbyes. It's just not the same saying goodbye at the drop-off zone outside of security. Maybe it's just an over-realized sense of nostalgia on my part, but it does seem as though saying goodbye (or saying hello, for that matter) at the actual gate has a much more poignant and emotional feel to it.

I'm always amazed at jut how big, busy, and filed with people airports are. We are more connected, more mobile, and able to communicate with more people in more ways in more places than ever before in recorded human history... but have we ever been more alone? I'm surrounded by people right now, but am just another piece in their nameless, unnoticed panorama. It's a simultaneously frightening and liberating feeling to be anonymous. If nothing else, it serves to deepen my thirst for true community, whatever that really is. That's something I hope to experience and observe over the course of this summer.

It's here. I leave tomorrow. The apartment has been vacated, all almost all the loose ends have been tied up, and the only thing left to do is to finish packing for the summer and then box up the few remaining things that I won't be needing over the next couple of months. I should probably be more excited, or nervous, or emotional than I am right now, but I'm simply too tired to fully process the enormity of what lies in front of me. I feel bad that I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to lots of people, most notably my (former) roommate, Keith. Our paths haven't crossed at all over the past few days, and I don't think I'll be able to see him before I leave. I've struggled with a little bit of guilt over "abandoning" him, especially since he hasn't had any success in finding another roommate and thus may be forced to move into a different/smaller/cheaper place. I know it's no real fault of mine, but even so...

I had a bad moment yesterday when I couldn't recall where my passport was. I remembered placing it between the pages of a book for safekeeping, but couldn't recall which book it was - or whether the unknown book had already been packed away. After about 15 minutes of frantic searching, I finally located it. Of course, it wasn't in any of the boxes I unpacked, or even in a book at all, but lying in plain sight. Since then I've guarded it like a hawk.

I just realized that the day is almost over, and I haven't made time to get in the Word yet. Dangit. When I don't have a routine, my life starts to unravel. I think that despite my flexible, go-with-the-flow nature, I crave structure and discipline... even if I don't always enjoy them. Time for bed, it's going to be a busy couple of days of travel

Today was a beginning and an ending. It sunk in as I was leaving church after the service that I was really leaving - leaving this place, these people, this community, my church, job friends... almost everything. I've been trying to pare down my attachment to material possessions, which has been a simultaneously difficult and rewarding process... but once you remove your attachment to things, you realize that what you really value are relationships, and that makes leaving those behind more difficult than ever. People form a much stronger bond than possessions (at least, they should).

As I've been moving my stuff, packing, running errands and tying up loose ends, I've been overwhelmed with a sense of - loneliness? No, not quite that... not really solitude, either. It's like everything is falling away, leaving me face to face with (gulp) myself. And I'm not sure I am who I think I am. That's one of my goals for this summer, to dive into the depths of who I am, and hold that up in comparison to who I'm meant to be. I've been filled with doubts as to why I'm leaving - am I forsaking my true calling and identity here to chase after some fleeting pipe dreams? I don't think that's the case, but I have to ask that type of question.

As I ponder why I feel the desire to travel, to serve overseas in Norway and Latvia, to indulge my over-realized sense of wanderlust, I've been struck by the thought that perhaps my love for "home," for the people and places I've come to know and love here in Maine, frees me to travel. Maybe I love to wander far and wide not only for the immediate pleasures, experiences and excitement that travel affords, but perhaps what I ultimately crave is the sensation of coming home. I think that what makes this summer especially ripe for conflicted emotions is that I don't know exactly what (or where) "home" will be once I return to America. Where will I live? Where will I work? What will my commute be like? Will Patrick ever find his Purpose? God, prepare me for this summer - ready my heart, my mind, my soul, my body. Mold me, stretch me, make me grow. Light a desire in me for my true home with you, a longing for life as it was meant to be.