Well I'm back in the good ol' U.S. of A., although I'm not sure that I'm particularly thrilled to be chilling in Newark yet again. The flight here was long, but I did have the saving grace of having an empty seat next to me so I could at least stretch out a little bit. I had a window seat, too, so at least I didn't have to worry about my left side getting bumped by other passengers. I managed to catch a few brief and intermittent z's, although I still feel absolutely dead tired. You wouldn't think that just sitting on your butt for 24 hours would leave you exhausted, but little-to-no-sleep is a surefire recipe for exhaustion no matter what you're doing.

The last half hour of the flight was pure misery. We ran into some pretty robust turbulence, which normally excites me... unless I have a broken collarbone. Then it's just no fun at all. That, coupled with the fact that I was slightly nauseous from the combo of pain, exhaustion, turbulence, and a dubious-tasting "turkey sandwich" I had recently consumed, forced me to cling to the Jesus prayer with every ounce of my being to accomplish two things: (1) breathe, and (2) not throw up. Thanks to the good Lord and a couple of timely burps, both goals were accomplished.

The landing turned out to be a bit of an adventure. Turns out that, due to crosswinds (or so I was told later on), we had to come in with the plane tilted at a fairly significant roll angle, which allowed the pilot to let one wheel touch the ground... and then slam the rest of the plane's wheels to the ground a split second later. It was bizarre, because until the first wheel touched I wasn't consciously aware of the fact that we were coming in at a tilt... and then I suddenly realized the implications as the plane slammed its wheels to the asphalt before I had a chance to brace myself. Painful? Very.

I had to resort to the ultimate indignity in order to transport my luggage through customs: I paid three dollars for one of those luggage carts. Three dollars! Those things are free in freaking Norway, for crying out loud! Just a couple of months ago I transported 6 large bags all by myself, and now I need a luggage cart to be able to move one measly backpack. Such is life.

I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about being back in the states. If I were heading home (wherever that is; I guess my folk's house in Maine is what feels like home right now) my emotions might be more concrete and identifiable, but as it is I sort of feel like I'm in a state of limbo. I miss everyone back in Norway and Latvia, but I'm also looking forward to seeing friends and family back in Maine, as well as seeing Jesse out in Oregon. I'm just not sure where I'm truly longing to be (to get back to that line of thought from a couple weeks ago). But, that's not exactly anything new either.

I haven't even had a chance to crack open my Bible yet today, since my lone remaining copy (I ended up giving away the other two I brought) is packed away in my checked luggage. I briefly considered trying to retrieve it when I had to bring my stuff through customs, but after remembering what an ordeal it was to get everything jammed into there in the first place (with help, no less), I thought better of it. I'm feeling kind of empty spiritually right now, and I don't think it's just due to fatigue and change of environment. After feeling very much alive a close to God for most of the summer, the past couple of days have been filled with a sort of spiritual malaise. To be honest, I've been struggling with feelings of being abandoned by God, as ridiculous as I know that sounds (and is). I feel like with all the people I know are praying for me, shouldn't things be working out a little bit better in regards to my recent and the subsequent pain? I know that God allowed (caused?) it for a reason, I really and truly do... but it's difficult when you don't know that reason yet, and in the meantime life is much more inconvenient and difficult and your long-laid plans of travel and adventure have to be curtailed as a result of an accident. I trust you, God - at least, I'm trying to - but you could make things just a little easier by giving me at least a tiny glimpse into the reasons behind why things have transpired like they have.

I've been fighting off feelings of loneliness at times today, too... not just loneliness as a result of leaving everyone I spent the summer with (although that certainly is a part), but loneliness as in being a 26 year old single guy who, although generally content, wonders if this is to be his lot in life. I think that being immersed in a sense of community like I have been for the past 6 or 7 weeks helps to fulfill some of those desires for companionship, and having good friends in nearly constant proximity Being single sure does have its advantages (which I'm sure I've already mentioned before at some point), and being intentional about not seeking out "a relationship" allows me to stay better focused on the tasks at hand, as well as have healthier and deeper friendships with everyone, guys and girls, than otherwise possible.

But... at the end of the day, I still climb into bed by myself, and don't have anyone (other than the Lord) to share all of life's experiences with. Is that ok? Of course it is... but I'd be lying if I said that it was always easy or always awesome. I'm guessing that my current state isn't about to change anytime soon, and quite frankly, I'm ok with that. Today is too filled with uncertainty to worry about what the years to come might or might not bring with them. All I know is that today God wants to use me as I am - a single, free, unattached hobo - so it's up to me to make the absolute most of my current state while remaining content with who I am. God is all I need... that's not a trite refrigerator-magnet slogan, it's the truth. I'm beginning to understand what it means to truly crave God, and in all honesty it's a bittersweet sensation... sweet because it's drawing me closer to my true identity and purpose, but bitter because you can never get all the God you really want. Which begs the question: how badly do I crave God? Or to flip it around into a question I tossed out a couple of weeks ago on the van ride back to Riga, what wouldn't I sacrifice for the Kingdom? Scary question... I'm not sure I have any easy answers.